


Never Enough

by make_your_user_a_name



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (but it's a paragraph and it's not real), Angst, Coda, Domestic Fluff, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode S15e18 Despair, Sam Winchester Knows, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Sam Winchester, kidding it makes it worse, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/make_your_user_a_name/pseuds/make_your_user_a_name
Summary: It took him hours to notice it. He hadn’t felt it in the moment. Hadn’t felt the Cas’ hand stick slightly to his shoulder as it pushed him away, leaving him to face the Empty alone.But now that he’d noticed it, it was all he could look at. That bright red handprint standing out starkly against his jacket. It was perfect, really. Not a drop out of place. Just a handprint and nothing else. That was all he had left.The handprint where Castiel had “gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.” And now he’d saved him one more time. Same shoulder, same placement, same sting when Dean looked at it.It was poetic in the cruelest of ways. And if it weren’t for everything, he would have thought this was Chuck’s writing. But, no. Castiel was the only part of Chuck’s story that he couldn’t control. Because Cas had fallen.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 40
Kudos: 347





	Never Enough

It took him hours to notice it. He hadn’t felt it in the moment. Hadn’t felt the Cas’ hand stick slightly to his shoulder as it pushed him away, leaving him to face the Empty alone. 

But now that he’d noticed it, it was all he could look at. That bright red handprint standing out starkly against his jacket. It was perfect, really. Not a drop out of place. Just a handprint and nothing else. That was all he had left. 

The handprint where Castiel had “gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.” And now he’d saved him one more time. Same shoulder, same placement, same sting when Dean looked at it.

It was poetic in the cruelest of ways. And if it weren’t for everything, he would have thought this was Chuck’s writing. But, no. Castiel was the only part of Chuck’s story that he couldn’t control. Because Cas had fallen. 

Cas had fallen in love with him. And Dean loved him back. Of course he did. 

But he’d been too cowardly to say it back. How could he? When his best friend in the entire world looked at him with an expression that could only be described as pure unadulterated joy and said the words Dean had been longing to hear his whole life… how could he say them back? 

So he hadn’t. He’d begged Cas not to do this. Not to be taken away. But Cas hadn’t listened. It had been too late anyway. His joy was sealed, and so was his fate. He didn’t need to hear it back to be happy. 

“I love you too,” Dean whispered to the empty room. 

His eyes were dry now. He’d ran out of tears a few hours ago, but the sobs had continued for some time. Gasping, heaving, no room for air in his lungs because all he could feel was crushing disappointment, sadness, anger, self-loathing. 

He’d had the chance to give Cas everything in his final moments. 

And they were his final moments. He had no delusions about that. Cas was never coming back. Ever. There were no deals, no resurrections, no last ditch efforts to save him. He was just gone. The love of Dean’s life was gone.

Sam hadn’t called again. He probably assumed Dean was dead. He might as well be. Or maybe Sam was dead, Jack too. 

The back of Dean’s gun dug into his side and he almost reached for it. His family was gone. So he might as well join them in eternal damnation. 

But something stopped him. Some hope instilled in him by Cas’ words, even though now he was gone. 

Cas had loved him. He had made Cas happy. 

He looked down at the handprint again and fit his hand into it. It shouldn’t have still been wet. Not now. But it was, sticking slightly to Dean’s fingers. 

He leaned his head back against the wall, the cold floor becoming uncomfortable beneath him. He wouldn’t leave tonight. He could stay alive. If only to stand up to Chuck when he had nothing left. 

_I love you,_ the words rang in his ear and he dry sobbed again, wishing there were tears left to fall. 

Why hadn’t he just said it back? He’d meant it. He loved Cas. Maybe he always had. And not like he loved Sam. It was just Cas, only Cas, Cas was gone. 

Distantly, he heard the bunker door open and close. At least Sam or Jack had made it out. Then again, that could be Chuck coming to drag him away. Coming to gloat that the flaw in his plan, the hiccup that Cas had caused again and again was gone. 

Without Cas, they couldn’t win. Cas was what Chuck wasn’t expecting. He’d fought for Dean over and over. He’d shown his love over and over. And Dean had been too stubborn to see it, too stubborn to accept it. 

Cas, the one Dean had abandoned and betrayed. 

Cas, the one who came back ever single time. 

Cas, the broken angel who had fallen too far. 

And he was dead. 

Dean pulled his hand from the handprint and looked to the ceiling. Searching for a sign, an answer, any comfort to remove the pit that had settled in his stomach weighing him down. He’d never felt like this. Not when Sam had died. Not when Mom had died. Hell, not even when Cas had died before. 

This was different. 

This was floating face down in a pool, weightless because everything was crushing inward. This was drowning, lungs filling up with pain that left no room for anything else. This was falling off a building willingly, death just inches below him, but not quite being able to reach it because he didn’t have the energy to die. This was a fate far worse than death. 

He didn’t look up when Sam came into the room, Jack right behind him. 

He barely reacted when Sam looked around frantically, crouching by his brother and shaking his shoulders, trying to see if he was okay. 

He didn’t move until Sam asked in a quite voice, as if he was afraid of the answer, “Where’s Cas?” 

Only then did he look up at his brother, his eyes rimmed red but completely dry. Sam’s eyes fell to the handprint on his shoulder and he knelt next to Dean. Jack stood over them, his head tilted curiously but something on his face saying he knew exactly where Cas was. 

“Dean, what happened?” Sam said, resting an arm on his shoulder. Not the one with the handprint. Not the one that mattered. Not the one that stung with loss. 

“He’s gone,” Dean said hoarsely. He’d have to tell him at some point. He’d have to get it over with. He’d have to let his soul open up and let out his darkest secret. 

“The Empty?” Jack asked quietly, and Dean jerked his face up to look at him. Jack had known. He’d known about the deal. Of course he had… it was to save him. 

Dean nodded mutley and his hands started shaking again. Gone, gone, gone. Cas was gone. Alone. Forgotten. In love with no clue that it was returned. 

“What the hell?” Sam said, shifting to get more comfortable. 

“He made a deal,” Jack supplied. His voice was tight with emotion. Dean risked a glance up at him. He looked just as alone as Dean felt. His father had been taken from him. “To save me,” he continued. "When he experienced a moment of true happiness, he would be taken.” 

_True happiness,_ Dean thought bitterly. It had been happiness enough to tell him. He’d seen that on Cas’ face. The joy, the freedom, the relief. He’d been carrying this for years. 

“Cas wasn’t happy?” That was all Sam said. Disbelief written across his face, hanging in his voice. 

_He could have been._

“Dean,” Jack started, and Dean looked back at the floor. He knew what was coming. He’d been prepared for this. But he still couldn’t do it. “What made him happy?” 

He couldn’t look at the kid. Not now. So instead he looked up at Sam, his eyes broken, pleading for him to understand. To understand why he was sinking lower and lower as every happy thought left his body. To understand why he would never be truly happy again. To understand that today, he’d lost everything. 

Sam’s eyes widened just a fraction and then he nodded once, slowly. And Dean thought he was going to drop it there. But he understood even better than that. He understood that Dean needed to say it. “What did he say?” he asked softly. 

“He said,” Dean took a deep breath. “He said he loved me.” He started crying again. No tears, just shaking shoulders and desperate gasps for air that wasn’t there. “And I-” he cleared his throat, trying to gain control. “I didn’t say it back.” 

This time Sam reached across and pulled him into a tight hug, Dean shaking as he cried silently into his shoulder. 

“He knew,” his brother said simply. “Of course he knew.” 

No one spoke after that. They just sat there, reeling in shock. Cas was gone. Cas was what held this family together, what gave them a chance, and he was stuck somewhere completely alone, eternal emptiness finally laying its hold on him. 

Dean wanted to shout to Sam that it didn’t matter if Cas had known. Because Dean hadn’t told him. Because Cas had seemed like he didn’t know. Because Cas had said that happiness was just in being. Was just in saying it. 

But he didn’t know. 

How could he know? 

Happiness would have been waking up next to each other. Happiness would have been going on walks hand in hand, soft smiles exchanged between breathless kisses. Happiness would have been getting into stupid arguments and laughing when they were finally resolved. Happiness would have been being with each other, completely, entirely. Giving themselves over wholly, not to God and his angels, but to the other. Happiness would have been 3 AM movie parties and midafternoon cuddle sessions. Wiping away each other's tears and kissing away the pain. 

So, yes. They could have been happy. Could have had it all. 

But they didn’t. 

And now they never would. 

**Author's Note:**

> that episode.. that fucking episode...


End file.
